Position available: MOTHER JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term team player needed for
challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidate must
possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work
various hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour
shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive
camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway
cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES: This is for the rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated
at least temporarily, until someone needs $5 to go skating. Must be willing to
bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule
and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time,
the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing
to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair,
mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls,
maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must
have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and
mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an
embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a
half million cheap, plastic toys and battery operated devices. Must always hope
for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete
accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include
floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility. POSSIBILITY FOR
ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same
position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your
skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you. PREVIOUS
EXPERIENCE: None required, unfortunately. On- the-job training offered on a
continually exhausting basis. WAGES AND COMP ENSATION: You pay them, offering
frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because
of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this
reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do
more. BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition
reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered, job supplies
limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play
your cards right. Forward this on to all the MOMs you know, in appreciation for
everything they do on a daily basis, and let them know they are appreciated.

 

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